Here's what I mean:
I've had some things on the back burner for awhile, just waiting for the right time to invest the energy in them. However, as time passes I continue to find myself filling the time with OTHER pursuits instead- continually pushing the same items to the bottom of my list. It has become apparent that it isn't a lack of time that is the issue...it's the motivation.
Finally it dawned on me: The reason that my motivation was lacking to start these projects is because the motivation to put them on my to-do list in the first place didn't come from a place that was truly genuine.
Somehow things have ended up on my mental to-do list that are motivated by a desire to impress people that I don't really care about, or as part of a quest to accomplish "as much as" people that I don't even know. It's lots of stuff that I don't know if I really even want to do it, so much as I want to be able to tell someone that I did it. Some of these tasks might help me to be more of the person that I think others want me to be- but none of these things matter that much to who and what's really important in my life at this time. If I'm going to invest my time in something, I want it to be something that I can't wait to get started on...not something that I find a million excuses to avoid.
So, I'm not going to bother to go into what I was probably never going to actually start, or what I decided not to finish...but I will tell you that I'm trying to allocate my time in a way that aligns with my values. It also means that sometimes I'm not really working on anything. I've been reading more, and list making less. I've been working on my family photo albums, and writing for myself. I've been doing a lot of things that don't necessarily move me towards any end goal, but make me happy in this moment.
As someone who generally feels driven to move forward just for the sake of keeping busy, it is sometimes difficult to find contentment in the idea of standing still. But I think for now I'd rather just slow down until I can figure out where exactly I want to be headed.
|(My littlest- trekking through her first blizzard without a care in the world)|
It's tough to take that pause to figure out what should come next, but I think it'll be worth the wait.
p.s. This musing doesn't really have a whole lot to do with what you'll see and read here on the blog because writing this blog is still one of my favorite things to do. It has more to do with all of the other random things I have going on behind the scenes in my life- but I thought I'd share my thoughts anyway :)